Looking at my stats, I haven't been here for over a month. It's not that I don't have anything to bitch about, but I started a wordpress blog a few weeks ago. And I have to say I really, REALLY like wordpress. Way better than blogger.
So if you're missing me and my emotional baggage, stop over at The Real Me. I have a lot to say there : )
Moving On
Posted by mom adrift at 8:33 AM
pissed
I'm pissed. I cannot believe our new president. All proud of himself because he FORCED his "stimulus" package through congress and the house. In record time. Oh yeah, I want something on my desk by President's Day. Who cares if it is THOUSANDS of pages long and he doesn't give anyone time to read it???? Let's just pass the damn thing because he said so.
You know what? I care. And it pisses me off. Who in their right mind signs anything without reading it or knowing what it says? Oh wait, that was congress last year, when they passed the damn CPSIA with out reading it. Pelosi said to sign, and so sign it they did. It makes me sick.
It makes me sick to see where this government is going. And it scares me too. The closing of Guantanamo Bay gives terrorists NO accountability for their actions. You know, if you bomb us, and we catch you, you will go here for a very long time and no one will ever see you again. Now what are we going to do with them? Tap them on the shoulder and say, hey, we wish you wouldn't do that to us, and if you do it again, maybe we will smack your butt? Or give you a time out? Ugh.
And sending funds to the countries that promote abortion? Holy cow......that is so very sad. I guess we no longer stand for anything. Well wait a minute....if we close Guantanamo Bay to preserve the terrorist's human rights, what about the unborn babies? Don't they have rights too? Where is the line drawn?
I know the president promised change. And most of the country ate it up. But is it really going to be the kind of change we need? I'm starting to wonder. Whatever happened to making informed decisions? And taking time to do the right thing? God help us.
You know what? I care. And it pisses me off. Who in their right mind signs anything without reading it or knowing what it says? Oh wait, that was congress last year, when they passed the damn CPSIA with out reading it. Pelosi said to sign, and so sign it they did. It makes me sick.
It makes me sick to see where this government is going. And it scares me too. The closing of Guantanamo Bay gives terrorists NO accountability for their actions. You know, if you bomb us, and we catch you, you will go here for a very long time and no one will ever see you again. Now what are we going to do with them? Tap them on the shoulder and say, hey, we wish you wouldn't do that to us, and if you do it again, maybe we will smack your butt? Or give you a time out? Ugh.
And sending funds to the countries that promote abortion? Holy cow......that is so very sad. I guess we no longer stand for anything. Well wait a minute....if we close Guantanamo Bay to preserve the terrorist's human rights, what about the unborn babies? Don't they have rights too? Where is the line drawn?
I know the president promised change. And most of the country ate it up. But is it really going to be the kind of change we need? I'm starting to wonder. Whatever happened to making informed decisions? And taking time to do the right thing? God help us.
Posted by mom adrift at 7:15 PM
fair
I've been meaning to write this post, but then something comes up and I write about something else or just forget altogether. I want to be fair here to my my mother. Well sort of. It's my blog and I can do what I want....
Anyway, I know I wrote about her sending up a Christmas box to DH and there was not a thing in it for me. Well, after talking about what to do with it for a while, DH decided to call her before sending his packages back. Could be my mother sent me something separately and it got lost on the way. Or she would at least say that. Yep, that's how she works. Never her fault.....always someone elses.
So DH called her. This was a while ago now. He got an earful. But to his credit, he did not get into a fight with her. He said she sounded old and hurt. And when he got off the phone with her he was leaning towards me calling and apologizing to her. Argh. Of course she told him listed EVERYTHING she had done for us in the past. And told him the girls never call her. And when she calls them they have nothing to say.....blah, blah, blah. And blah, blah, blah.
I was not impressed. Or swayed. To me it was the same old shit. Blame someone else and NEVER acknowledge you could have done something wrong. To me, the kicker was she asked him why I never talked to about it (florida, I guess) and tell her how I felt. I did actually LOL at that. I have NEVER told my mother how I felt. About anything. Ever. I didn't trust what she would do with my feelings, so I didn't share them. And in that respect I know I am different than her because my girls tell me everything. Every Little Thing. Sometimes too much, but I am so thankful that DD1 will call me from school and tell me what is going on her her life, and love life. I will never betray that trust. Except maybe here, but she doesn't know about this blog. At least I don't think so. But she is a good kid anyway, so there isn't much to talk about....
Anyway, getting sidetracked here.....I was trying to be fair to my mother. Doesn't seem to be working.....my Dad came to our house for Thanksgiving. My mother was in Florida, go figure. After he left, he called and asked f I had found a bag marked for us and something about plates. I said would keep an eye out for them. Eventually I found a bag with our name on it in the garage. In it were 3 shirts, unwrapped marked for us girls. No plates. And he called a coulpe more times about these plates. Honest to God, I had no idea what he was talking about and I was getting tired of hearing about them. I didn't have them, and didn't know where they were.
So now we can fast forward to DH's call.....after he got his earful, he was finally able to get a word in and asked if there was a gift for me on the way. She told him that I should have gotten a shirt (That would be an unwrapped shirt in the store bag) and plates. Those damn plates. What plates? The plates that my dad lost somewhere between here and there. They were supposed to be my Christmas present. No one told me the plates were for me. And no one told me they were supposed to be my gift. If someone would have said something, the whole Christmas box incident could have been avoided, but I guess I was supposed to know these plates he asked me about were mine.
So, to be fair, my mother did send gifts up for me. A Christmas shirt I'm sure she got on clearance and just stuck in a bag, and plates I have never seen. I still don't know what plates they are talking about. But I wasn't intentionally screwed, it was her underhanded, more typical burn. Her, "I made an effort, it's not my fault" line. *sigh*
Lately I have been feeling better about all of this. We still aren't talking, but it hasn't been depressing me as much. I guess I am coming to grips with that fact that we will never have a normal relationship. Whatever normal is. Maybe I am just finally accepting her for what she is....someone who is selfish, not nurturing and wasn't really meant to be a mom. Oh and DH did send his gifts back with a note saying we didn't want to exchange gifts with them anymore. They can send the kids gifts, but as adults, we don't need to exchange anymore. I thought that would get me a phone call from my dad, but I haven't heard from him......
My mother did send me an email. She uses my credit card to buy some stuff wholesale and wanted to know if she could place an order. That's all she wrote. I said sure, because I think I would have started WWIII if I would have said no. She already sent me a check for the amount, so that's okay. We'll see if it leads to anything else. I won't hold my breath.
Posted by mom adrift at 7:00 AM
vacation
So I want to go on vaction. I need a vacation. It was a very busy fall for me and I am tired of working so hard with no end in sight. Plus it's been a year now since my last vacation.
I want to take the DD's to Florida. Somewhere warm and sunny. And listen to the waves crashing on the beach....first we have to work out the dates. One's in college and one's in school. So, my plan is to wait until DD1 is done with her semester at college and take DD2 out of school for a week.
And then, where should we go? What should we do? Disney and Daytona are my plans. But did I ever mention that my parents live in FL? A couple hours south of Daytona. So it should be a no brainer and we should go stay with them, right?
Been there, done that. Learned my lesson, and will never do it again. Besides that I am not on speaking terms with my mother yet.....she does not welcome guests to her house.
The last time we went (and it was the last time) she stuck our family of 4 in a tiny little computer room that was STUFFED with stuff. And 2 twin beds. Yeah, we were real welcome. We all lived out of suitcases for a week. Not that we needed fancy accommodations or anything, but to feel welcome would have been nice.
But really, that's how she lives. With stuff everywhere. She is a hoarder. And I guess she wanted us to feel at home in her home so she didn't make any changes for us. And then after 5 days she started getting snippy with us and snappy with the girls. We left, and haven't gone back to FL since. That was 5 or 6 years ago.
Well, DD2 and I went to Orlando and Disney last year. And my mother was supposed to drive the hour and a half and meet us for a couple days. But she didn't. My Grandfather (my dad's dad) passed away our 3rd day on vacation. My dad told me to stay in FL. Oh, don't get the wrong idea here, my mother did NOT accompany my dad to his dad's funeral. Unbelievable.
She told him to tell his family that she couldn't come because she was going to see us in Disney. She told us she couldn't come see us in Disney because she was waiting to see if my dad called and asked her to come to the funeral. Uh, she has a cell phone.....I don't know. That's the kind of games she plays. I'm tired of it.
Anyway, the gist of this post is....we have family that lives in FL, 20 minutes from the beach. They are my parents and it should be a no-brainer. We should feel like we can go and spend some time with them. Shouldn't we? But we don't. And that makes me angry because shouldn't you want to see your kids and grandkids once in awhile? We're low maintenance. And it makes me sad because my DD's won't know their grandmother like I knew (and loved) my grandmothers.
I want to take the DD's to Florida. Somewhere warm and sunny. And listen to the waves crashing on the beach....first we have to work out the dates. One's in college and one's in school. So, my plan is to wait until DD1 is done with her semester at college and take DD2 out of school for a week.
And then, where should we go? What should we do? Disney and Daytona are my plans. But did I ever mention that my parents live in FL? A couple hours south of Daytona. So it should be a no brainer and we should go stay with them, right?
Been there, done that. Learned my lesson, and will never do it again. Besides that I am not on speaking terms with my mother yet.....she does not welcome guests to her house.
The last time we went (and it was the last time) she stuck our family of 4 in a tiny little computer room that was STUFFED with stuff. And 2 twin beds. Yeah, we were real welcome. We all lived out of suitcases for a week. Not that we needed fancy accommodations or anything, but to feel welcome would have been nice.
But really, that's how she lives. With stuff everywhere. She is a hoarder. And I guess she wanted us to feel at home in her home so she didn't make any changes for us. And then after 5 days she started getting snippy with us and snappy with the girls. We left, and haven't gone back to FL since. That was 5 or 6 years ago.
Well, DD2 and I went to Orlando and Disney last year. And my mother was supposed to drive the hour and a half and meet us for a couple days. But she didn't. My Grandfather (my dad's dad) passed away our 3rd day on vacation. My dad told me to stay in FL. Oh, don't get the wrong idea here, my mother did NOT accompany my dad to his dad's funeral. Unbelievable.
She told him to tell his family that she couldn't come because she was going to see us in Disney. She told us she couldn't come see us in Disney because she was waiting to see if my dad called and asked her to come to the funeral. Uh, she has a cell phone.....I don't know. That's the kind of games she plays. I'm tired of it.
Anyway, the gist of this post is....we have family that lives in FL, 20 minutes from the beach. They are my parents and it should be a no-brainer. We should feel like we can go and spend some time with them. Shouldn't we? But we don't. And that makes me angry because shouldn't you want to see your kids and grandkids once in awhile? We're low maintenance. And it makes me sad because my DD's won't know their grandmother like I knew (and loved) my grandmothers.
Posted by mom adrift at 7:17 AM
disconnected
It's weird. I feel disconnected from my other blog. I've been writing there a while, but I guess it's just lost its appeal. It's therapeutic quality. I just don't feel like finding something light and fluffy to write over there. My life isn't bad, but neither is it all that interesting. I don't know.
And then there's this blog. Which I can use as therapy, but I feel like I am sneaking around when I write on it. No, that's not what I mean. I have to sneak around to write on it. I don't know. Maybe it's cabin fever. Or winter blues.
There's so much going on in my life, and yet there isn"t. KWIM? Ack, same old, same old. Speaking of same old, same old......DH has been driving me nuts. How's that for a segway????
We've been married for what seems like forever (and a day) and sometimes he just grates on my nerves. OMG. He finds fault with EVERYTHING. Not big faults....just a little fault with everything he sees or hears or watches on tv. I don't say anything about it anymore, because it just isn't worth it. But it makes me crazy. I wish he would just shut up. Or listen to himself and hear how horribly critical he can be.
I don't say anything......hoping he will just stop. But he hasn't yet. And so I find myself hardly talking to him at all. Because whatever I say, he will find a point to argue about. And it's easier for me to not argue about nothing. Besides, I hate confrontations....mainly because I don't know how to deal with them. And secondly, because he does not fight fair. And it's not worth my tears and emotions to get worked up over nothing. Although, him being so very annoying isn't nothing is it? *sigh*
Does this make me passive aggressive? Or just a patsy for letting him get away with his attitude? He's not a bad guy. He just gets in these moods where he is right and everything else in the world is wrong. And that's when I wonder what the hell I was thinking when I got married.
Hehe. So I went from writing about not writing on the other blog to a huge vent about DH. Weird how my mind works.....guess I needed this : )
And then there's this blog. Which I can use as therapy, but I feel like I am sneaking around when I write on it. No, that's not what I mean. I have to sneak around to write on it. I don't know. Maybe it's cabin fever. Or winter blues.
There's so much going on in my life, and yet there isn"t. KWIM? Ack, same old, same old. Speaking of same old, same old......DH has been driving me nuts. How's that for a segway????
We've been married for what seems like forever (and a day) and sometimes he just grates on my nerves. OMG. He finds fault with EVERYTHING. Not big faults....just a little fault with everything he sees or hears or watches on tv. I don't say anything about it anymore, because it just isn't worth it. But it makes me crazy. I wish he would just shut up. Or listen to himself and hear how horribly critical he can be.
I don't say anything......hoping he will just stop. But he hasn't yet. And so I find myself hardly talking to him at all. Because whatever I say, he will find a point to argue about. And it's easier for me to not argue about nothing. Besides, I hate confrontations....mainly because I don't know how to deal with them. And secondly, because he does not fight fair. And it's not worth my tears and emotions to get worked up over nothing. Although, him being so very annoying isn't nothing is it? *sigh*
Does this make me passive aggressive? Or just a patsy for letting him get away with his attitude? He's not a bad guy. He just gets in these moods where he is right and everything else in the world is wrong. And that's when I wonder what the hell I was thinking when I got married.
Hehe. So I went from writing about not writing on the other blog to a huge vent about DH. Weird how my mind works.....guess I needed this : )
Posted by mom adrift at 7:17 AM
fat
Last week I has all these great plans of posting here every day. Then things started needing done and I would try and catch up on reading all the blogs I fell behind on, and now it is a new week. Sheesh. I feel like a slacker. But really I'm not.
Last week I think I said I almost started a new blog so I could be real and let the voice in my head speak. But then, that IS what this blog is for. To be real, anyway. I figure if I let the voice in my head out, maybe it will go away, or at least be a little quieter.
So lately, okay, let's be honest, forever, this voice has been reminding me how much I hate how I look. I am fat. Fat, fat, fat.
Yes, I have put on some pounds over the past few years. And it really disgusts me. I know I can take them off and be healthy again, if I would only try. But I don't know if it would make me happier, or if I would still be unhappy in my own skin.
I guess I would sure like to fit in my clothes better again. But it is so hard to get motivated. And I really need to. Cause if I did start doing something about it, that would be one less thing the voice in my head would be able to go on and on about.
And now I have to go. It's DH's day off and he likes his sex on monday mornings. *sigh* That can be a whole other post.....
Last week I think I said I almost started a new blog so I could be real and let the voice in my head speak. But then, that IS what this blog is for. To be real, anyway. I figure if I let the voice in my head out, maybe it will go away, or at least be a little quieter.
So lately, okay, let's be honest, forever, this voice has been reminding me how much I hate how I look. I am fat. Fat, fat, fat.
Yes, I have put on some pounds over the past few years. And it really disgusts me. I know I can take them off and be healthy again, if I would only try. But I don't know if it would make me happier, or if I would still be unhappy in my own skin.
I guess I would sure like to fit in my clothes better again. But it is so hard to get motivated. And I really need to. Cause if I did start doing something about it, that would be one less thing the voice in my head would be able to go on and on about.
And now I have to go. It's DH's day off and he likes his sex on monday mornings. *sigh* That can be a whole other post.....
Posted by mom adrift at 7:04 AM
bed
This morning I woke up a few minutes before the alarm went off. Then it went off and I got up to start another day. As I was laying there, waiting, I seriously considered going back to bed once I saw DD2 get on the bus. My bed is so comfy and warm. And I hate starting the day out tired. But here I sit typing away....which is probably better than going back to bed anyway, because who knows when I would crawl out of it.
My one wise reader left me a comment about last night's post...."I have to make myself think differently before I start feeling differently." And yes, that does apply to me. I think when I start my day, I see so much stuff I need to do. Things that need to get done. Those are the things I can do. Then there are the things I can't do.....and I think it is the can't do's that get me started. And I start feeling bad.
I know I am not superwoman, and I can't solve all the world's problems, but there are a few close to home I would like to fix. I guess maybe I need to find a way to do that.....in my spare time. Which I am using now to ramble. I'm gonna get a shower and do something. At least I didn't go back to bed.
Oh, and don't hate me, but I am not going to watch the inauguration. I don't hate the new president, but I do hate all the hype surrounding him. Really, people, he is NOT the second coming. Get.a.grip.
My one wise reader left me a comment about last night's post...."I have to make myself think differently before I start feeling differently." And yes, that does apply to me. I think when I start my day, I see so much stuff I need to do. Things that need to get done. Those are the things I can do. Then there are the things I can't do.....and I think it is the can't do's that get me started. And I start feeling bad.
I know I am not superwoman, and I can't solve all the world's problems, but there are a few close to home I would like to fix. I guess maybe I need to find a way to do that.....in my spare time. Which I am using now to ramble. I'm gonna get a shower and do something. At least I didn't go back to bed.
Oh, and don't hate me, but I am not going to watch the inauguration. I don't hate the new president, but I do hate all the hype surrounding him. Really, people, he is NOT the second coming. Get.a.grip.
Posted by mom adrift at 7:22 AM
blue
is not my favorite color. I am feeling blue today. I don't know why. I just am. And blue may not be a strong enough word. Maybe depressed is. And I still don't know what brought this on. Maybe it is just everything happening altogether. I don't know. It's just left me feeling yukky and wanting to express myself and hide under a rock.
So much so, that I even started a new blog today. Well I signed up for one. Why? Because I wanted somewhere where I could be completely honest and truthful. And no one would know me or nuthin. Like anyone knows me here. Or even reads me. Thank you MLS for reading me and leaving me comments.
I don't feel like posting at my other blog. My happy place. That just isn't me right now. I should be happy but I am not. And I don't want to write a cute, happy post just because....and I can't be my authentic self (thanks dr phil) there cause I don't know who all is reading and I guess I don't want to shock anyone with my real self. Does that makes sense? It did earlier when I was signing up for the new blog, but then I decided 3 blogs would be too much for me to keep track of, so here I am here.
Most all of the blogs I follow are happy, cheerful blogs. Sure, some bad things may happen and are mentioned, but there never seems to be much reality. Or maybe they really do live happy cheerful lives and I am just cynical and think they don't.
Anyway, I need to be real. I have so many thoughts in my head, and that one voice I always fight with....right now it is pretty darn negative. And so this blog is going to be my place to be real. Cause if I don't get this stuff out of my head, I am going to lose it.
And yeah, I am just rambling here w/o really saying anything, aren't I? Okay, I feel guilty. Because my life is good. And so many other peoples' lives aren't. We aren't rich, but we have money. And we both have jobs. Things are fine. But my sil is not fine and I don't know how to help her and I feel guilty that we are okay, and she is not.
I also feel guilty because my life is good and I am not happy. It's not that I am not happy with my life, I am just not happy right now. Eventually it will pass. And maybe faster if I get it all out of my head. I know if you have schizophrenia, you hear voices. I only hear one voice.....and I wish it would just go a-way!
Wait, wait! It's not that I am not happy with my life, and it's not that I am not happy right now, it's that I am not happy with myself. There, I wrote it out loud. I am not happy with myself. I.am.not.happy.with.myself. I need to think on this.....will post more next time.
So much so, that I even started a new blog today. Well I signed up for one. Why? Because I wanted somewhere where I could be completely honest and truthful. And no one would know me or nuthin. Like anyone knows me here. Or even reads me. Thank you MLS for reading me and leaving me comments.
I don't feel like posting at my other blog. My happy place. That just isn't me right now. I should be happy but I am not. And I don't want to write a cute, happy post just because....and I can't be my authentic self (thanks dr phil) there cause I don't know who all is reading and I guess I don't want to shock anyone with my real self. Does that makes sense? It did earlier when I was signing up for the new blog, but then I decided 3 blogs would be too much for me to keep track of, so here I am here.
Most all of the blogs I follow are happy, cheerful blogs. Sure, some bad things may happen and are mentioned, but there never seems to be much reality. Or maybe they really do live happy cheerful lives and I am just cynical and think they don't.
Anyway, I need to be real. I have so many thoughts in my head, and that one voice I always fight with....right now it is pretty darn negative. And so this blog is going to be my place to be real. Cause if I don't get this stuff out of my head, I am going to lose it.
And yeah, I am just rambling here w/o really saying anything, aren't I? Okay, I feel guilty. Because my life is good. And so many other peoples' lives aren't. We aren't rich, but we have money. And we both have jobs. Things are fine. But my sil is not fine and I don't know how to help her and I feel guilty that we are okay, and she is not.
I also feel guilty because my life is good and I am not happy. It's not that I am not happy with my life, I am just not happy right now. Eventually it will pass. And maybe faster if I get it all out of my head. I know if you have schizophrenia, you hear voices. I only hear one voice.....and I wish it would just go a-way!
Wait, wait! It's not that I am not happy with my life, and it's not that I am not happy right now, it's that I am not happy with myself. There, I wrote it out loud. I am not happy with myself. I.am.not.happy.with.myself. I need to think on this.....will post more next time.
Posted by mom adrift at 7:21 PM
argh
so today is paperwork day. the day i sit at my desk all day and catch up on emails and papers and everything else I've let go. it is also dh's day off. and on his day off he usually chooses to do nothing. like today. well he is choosing to watch a (no doubt) stupid movie.
our computer and my desk is in the living room, where our tv is too. joy of joys. i get to spend time with him. oh, did i mention dh is hard of hearing. so, not only will i not be alone, i HAVE to listen to his stupid movie. which he will fall asleep halfway through anyways.
yeah, his day off just aggravates the heck out of me. don't get me wrong, i love him and all, but i hate when people start talking to me when i am trying to work. and he is the best at that.
Posted by mom adrift at 12:32 PM
break
So admist all this personal turmoil, I just found out I may lose my business in one month. Still holding my breath on that.....and on top of that DD1 is still home from college on Christmas break.
While I love her dearly, and it so nice having her here, she has got to be one of the most unorganized, unreliable people I know. She's never on time, can't find anything and rarely does what she is supposed to.
As someone who is always on time to a fault, mostly organized and a planner, this drives me absolutely NUTS. And since she is in college, I do not tell her what to do and when to do it anymore. She is an adult, it is up to her to get things done. But I hate to see her fail too.
So how do you let them be, but get them motivated? She has things she is supposed to be doing for her degree while she is here at home. She has done very little. How do you motivate them without nagging? I suppose I will just let her be....it is her life afterall. It's just hard, as a mom, to not say anything when you know things need done.
I did tell her when she came home for the holidays that I wanted her to leave her room the way she found it. Clean. Long story, but I am tired of cleaning her room out after she leaves. We'll see if she does that.....
While I love her dearly, and it so nice having her here, she has got to be one of the most unorganized, unreliable people I know. She's never on time, can't find anything and rarely does what she is supposed to.
As someone who is always on time to a fault, mostly organized and a planner, this drives me absolutely NUTS. And since she is in college, I do not tell her what to do and when to do it anymore. She is an adult, it is up to her to get things done. But I hate to see her fail too.
So how do you let them be, but get them motivated? She has things she is supposed to be doing for her degree while she is here at home. She has done very little. How do you motivate them without nagging? I suppose I will just let her be....it is her life afterall. It's just hard, as a mom, to not say anything when you know things need done.
I did tell her when she came home for the holidays that I wanted her to leave her room the way she found it. Clean. Long story, but I am tired of cleaning her room out after she leaves. We'll see if she does that.....
Posted by mom adrift at 7:11 AM
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