wwjd

I'm a catholic. A practicing catholic. But probably not as catholic as I could be. But we go to church every sunday, I pray a lot and I try to be a good person. I try to teach my kids good values.

And so this whole incident with my mother has me wondering, "what would Jesus do?". I know that phrase is almost a cliche nowadays, but it still makes me think.

Would Jesus forgive yet again? And let things go back to how they were? Or after time and time again, would he give up and move on?

I wish I was better versed in the bible. Us catholics don't do much bible reading, but I seem to remember a sermon our priest gave about such a subject.

BUT, my middle aged memory can't remember the exact sermon and outcome. It seems to me that it went along the lines of eventually you quit banging your head against a brick wall. But I'll have to look into it, because I honestly can't remember clearly enough.

See my mother is the queen of grudges. I know she won't talk to me ever again. Unless I beg forgiveness and bend to her wishes. But I really want to stand up for myself this time. But does that make me holding a grudge against her? Because, that's the one thing I strive to do with my life....not be like my mother.

So that's my current dilemna and train of thought.... beg forgiveness and go back to how things have always been, or stand my ground and risk being like her. Honestly, I need to find a way to make my mind just let it all go. I can't run in circles like this all the time....it makes me crazy.

uncrazy

My SIL called me yesterday.  That would be my brother's wife.  Not one of DH's sisters.  I have 2 younger brothers.  We all grew up in the same house.

Anyway, she called to give me the latest update from my parents.  Well, first she asked if I had heard anything.  I laughed.  I doubt I'll ever hear from my mother again.

We got to talking, and it turns out her and my brother have been talking too. About growing up with my mother. And he remembers some of the things I remember. And he reminded me of things I had forgotten about.

See, lately I have been second guessing myself. Insecurity a friend called it. I guess. Maybe I should just say I'm sorry. Maybe I should make nice and let her have her way again. But, I am NOT crazy. These things did happen. Not just to me. But to my brothers too. They remember too.

And so that phone call was just what I needed, just when I needed it. It was funny, because DH and I had been talking about everything that same morning. And we hadn't talked about any of it for a couple weeks. And then to have her call me too....well, that was just really perfect. It made my day.

I may be middle aged, but I am not losing all my memory and I am not crazy. Funny, my brother does the same thing every night that I do. I tuck DD2 into bed (used to be both, DD1 and DD2) and tell her I love her. Every night. He does the same with my nephew. Why is that significant? Because we never heard that when we were young.

present

I hate how my past still affects me. And I hate that my mom still has a certain amount of influence over my life. There must be a point, or age, when your life is you own and you can claim it and be proud of it.

It all started (well this unfortunate event anyway) when I posted a not so flattering post mentioning my mom on my now-happy-blog. And she read it. Of course. In the grand scheme of things, I should have seen that coming....that the planets were aligned for such an earth shattering moment. Really.

It was lack of judgment on my part, but I did not know she read my blog. I realize I probably sent her the link in the past....you know, to see pictures of what the kids are doing. But I didn't know she kept reading. It's kind of creepy when I think about it, because she never calls to talk and rarely sends an email. Yet she reads my blog. Ew.

So now I am here. Because I want a place I can be completely open and say what I want. See, she influenced me again. Because I am afraid I am going to say something else and she'll catch me. Sheesh. It sounds like I am sneaking behind her back.

Which I guess I am in a way. It's easier to stay out of her way, than it is to confront her. I look at all my relatives, and they ALL let and have let her get away with everything all her life. It wasn't that what I said on my blog wasn't true. Heck, the rest of us havebeen trying to figure out what the problem is forever.

It's just that I "said it out loud". Where she could "hear it". But we have all discussed my mother behind her back for years. She has a way of making you feel guilty if you don't do what she wants. I guess maybe that is passive-aggressive? I don't know the terminology. I just know for all my life it has been easier to do what she wants, than to deal with her later and do what I want.

Anyway, I wanted this to be a short post dealing with the present, and here I am on another rant. Apparently I have a lot of pent up hostility. Heh. I am on the famous (really, it is. in my family, anyway) proverbial Shit List. And I expect I will be there for the rest of my life. I just hope my kids aren't on it too, by way of association....