sos

Same Old Shit.

Youngest DD and I went to see oldest DD at school yesterday.  I sure miss her. *sigh*  But she looks good, and happy, although awfully tired. In a couple weeks, the school's marching band is going to Disney in Florida. I so wish I could go and watch her, but I just can't take off that time of year.

Anyway, my mother told oldest DD that she would come and see her there. Great. Really. At the very least, maybe my "fight" with my mother has opened her eyes to what she is missing with her grandkids. I can hope, can't I? Oh wait, that's the expectation thing again. Ugh. I should know better.

Oldest told me that MOB (mean old bitch. my new name for her. Not oldest's.) sent her and email and told her that she couldn't make it because my dad gave her the wrong dates, and she already has plans for those days. Well, that's all well and good, but why does she have to blame it on my dad? Since when can't she pick up the phone and call and find out the exact days from oldest DD herself? Apparently she made a big deal of it NOT being her fault, because that's what oldest repeated over and over to me. Not that oldest DD expected to see her anyway....

Why does it always have to be someone else's fault? Like she is miss perfect and never does anything wrong unless someone gives her the wrong information. Yeah, whatever. But apparently this is really bugging me. I just can't believe her......she's done this for so long, that she has to realize we all know it is part of her game plan. Honestly, she would probably make a great politician, because she can pass the buck like no other.

Back to me now....it is my blog after all. How do I let all this go? I'll be good one day, and then the next it all comes back and I want to cry. I have to find a way to accept it, get over it, and move on, because I don't want to live like this. With MOB controlling my emotions by proxy. I can ignore my feelings for so long, then they pop back up and those "am I crazy?" thoughts start haunting me again. Is something wrong with me? Why does this bother me so much?

(I AM a good person. I AM a good mom. I am NOT my mother. I AM a good person. I AM a good mom. I am NOT my mother.)

frown

After I started this blog, I thought I would be creative and take some kind of anonymous picture for my profile pic. I've seen so many cool ones out there, I thought I could come up with something. I guess if you look, you can see my feet. It's okay.

But it was not my first choice. I wanted to take a picture of my hand on the track ball or both my hands on the keyboard. Well, trying to take a picture with no hands on the camera, and the camera set on timer with it tucked under my chin....well, it just didn't work too well.

So then I tried taking a picture of my hand on the trackball. And that picture was okay, except for my hand.

I've never had particularly pretty hands. I have big palms and short, stubby fingers. If I ever let my nails grow, I guess my fingers would look longer. Anyway, my hand looked




(taking a deep breath here)





old.






I was shocked and dismayed. When did they get old? My poor hands have aged without me realizing it. Well used and wrinkled is how they look now. I never paid much attention to the commercials for aging hands, I didn't think it would happen to me. Of course, I never thought becoming middle aged would ever happen to me either. And yet, here I am.

today

Today I had a heart to heart with my Aunt.  That would be my dad's brother's wife.  She was my savior and confidante when I was a teenager, and I thought I would update her on my family situation. She's been on the outs with my mother for years, so I knew she would get it.

And she did. One thing she told me was that maybe I was expecting too much of my mother. And my mother could not meet my expectations. I only want a normal mother, and grandmother, but she can't be that. And then when she doesn't live up to what I want, I get hurt.

My aunt said not to expect so much, and I won't get hurt. Not that any of it is my fault, but to be happy, I shouldn't set myself up for disappointment. Does that make sense? It did when she told me. But now I am tired and I can't seem to type these thoughts. So, expect nothing, and you can't be disappointed, and anything that may happen could be good....or something like that.

I emailed her this evening and told her I started this blog. Which no one has the link to. I did not send her a link. She answered back (and I quote) "Promise me you won't tell ANYONE your other blog. I'll tell you more the next time I talk to you on the phone...................you are a wonderful person................perhaps too trusting............................be careful."

Now I am nervous. What the heck did she mean by that? What kind of trouble have I gotten myself into now? Don't worry, I'll let you know when I know.  Argh.  Maybe blogging isn't for me.

priorities

You know, this blog started when my mom read what I wrote on what I will call my "happy blog". At that moment in time, the post I published was not happy and ended up bitter. And of course, that's when I found out my mom read my blog.

And at that moment in time, I severed the relationship between me and my mom. Funny thing is/was....while I was upset about her reading my innermost thoughts (that I posted on the internet for the whole world to read) and knowing the consequences would be severe and last an eternity (I kid not), I was more upset that I may have lost my blog. I cried because my online journal was no longer my private place.

And that made me chuckle, because, really, how private is a blog? You write about your innermost thoughts and feelings, you click on publish and voila! There it is, for the world to read. Who knows who will stumble upon it? How do you know who reads it regularly?

And so there I was, on one of the most emotional days of my life....more worried about losing my blog and my online friends, than I was about destroying the relationship with my mom. Are my priorities mixed up? Wonder where I learned that from....