dad

My dad came to visit a couple weeks ago.  Out of the blue he said I should think about "patching things up" with my mother.  I was so shocked he brought this up. I was speechless.  Really.  I didn't say a word.

He said it weighs heavy on her mind (yeah right) and he knows it probably weighs heavy on mine too. He said just to think about it, and that was that.

I thought about it for the next few days. It really upset me. More than I thought it would. I was back to feeling guilty for having feelings and saying them out loud again. I was feeling guilty for not saying what my mother likes/wants to hear. I was feeling guilty for not making nice, because I am the child and she is the parent.

I'm not feeling so guilty anymore. No, I haven't made nice. And I don't plan to. I am allowed to have thoughts and feelings that don't agree with hers. That don't fit into her little perfect world.

And if it weighs so heavy on her mind, why the heck hasn't she called me? It would be just as easy for me to call her, but everyone over the years bends to her will. It's just easier to have her happy than not, but I am tired of it. The rest of us deserve to be happy too. So I am standing my ground (at least for now).

But then that brings up another issue. I am acting like her. Being stubborn and holding a grudge. I don't like that. It is not me....but making nice with her in the past never really changed things. It just let her get her way. I guess maybe if I mirror her, she'll see what it's like and maybe.....just maybe, change? I can hope. But I won't hold my breath.