reality

aaaaah, I haven't been here in a awhile.  Not for lack of topics, just lack of time.  Now that the holidays are here, I guess you might say reality is rearing its ugly head.

Since my life has slowed down a wee bit, it has given my mind time to wander. And rehash what is the focus of this blog. The past couple days have been extremely hard and emotional for me. Wondering if my mother thinks about me at all....did I really hurt her feelings....should I send gifts.....arghhhhh...what the heck do I do?

I was all set to pick up some of her favorite chocolate and send it down from the DD's. In fact I did go out to buy it today. But because it is so late in the season, they were sold out. But I did pick up a pound of dark chocolate, which is her favorite. Then I planned on picking up a couple gift cards and sending them down for her and my dad.

I am late on everything this year. I am not just late in sending them anything. Heck, I haven't even sent out cards yet. Anyway, a package was delivered today from my mother to DH. And it was very clearly marked. He opened it.....there were several gifts marked to him, one to DD1 and one to DD2. And that was it. He said if there was nothing in there for me, he was sending it back.

I cannot begin to say how much this hurt me. I guess I am still expecting too much from my mother. In my heart I know she will never forgive me, but I still keep hoping. And each time I get my hopes up, of course they are slammed down to the ground. I should know better. And I don't even know if I want forgiveness. I think maybe I just want acknowledgment that I have feelings too, and she is NOT the perfect person she pretends to be.

That through me for a loop today and now I don't know what to do. Should I let DH send everything back? Should I give the girls their gifts, and let DH send his back? Should I send them anything? Should I send a box to my dad with his name only on it?

I feel so unwanted I could just burst into tears this very minute. It's not fair. I want a mother who loves me. And to think the other day I thought it was all my fault and maybe I should just call and give in. The hell with that idea.