My mom and I had a recent falling out. I started it, and I suspect it is the end of our relationship. Forever. Yes, my mom is like that. I will never be forgiven. She will never talk to me again. And if she does, she will make sure that I know she did me a favor in talking to me. It's always been like that. I hate it.
My fear is in talking to her right now. The wounds are still fresh and I don't want to deal with her now. And apparently she doesn't want to deal with me either. The problem is I love my dad. And he is being treated for cancer.
I want to call and talk to him, but I am petrified my mom will answer his phone. His cell phone. Knowing how she went through my room, my car and my mail when I was younger, I would half expect to hear her voice answer his phone.
And so I haven't called him yet. Because I am afraid of her. I am 46 yo and still afraid of my mom. WTF? Why can't I get over this and live my own life? Why do I still let her run my life in this way?
I hate conflict and avoid it whenever I possibly can. I am a very easy going, live and let live type person. I believe time heals a lot of things, but I don't think it is going to heal the rift between my mom and me. So at some point I have to grow up and call my dad.
Just that simple act is so hard for me to do. And I know once I make the first call, and find out it will be okay, it will be easy from then on. It's just that first call. The nervousness of waiting to hear his voice and not my mom's.
Fear sucks. At what point are you old enough to not fear your parents? When is it your life, and yours alone? And not a life run by fear of someone else?
My fear is in talking to her right now. The wounds are still fresh and I don't want to deal with her now. And apparently she doesn't want to deal with me either. The problem is I love my dad. And he is being treated for cancer.
I want to call and talk to him, but I am petrified my mom will answer his phone. His cell phone. Knowing how she went through my room, my car and my mail when I was younger, I would half expect to hear her voice answer his phone.
And so I haven't called him yet. Because I am afraid of her. I am 46 yo and still afraid of my mom. WTF? Why can't I get over this and live my own life? Why do I still let her run my life in this way?
I hate conflict and avoid it whenever I possibly can. I am a very easy going, live and let live type person. I believe time heals a lot of things, but I don't think it is going to heal the rift between my mom and me. So at some point I have to grow up and call my dad.
Just that simple act is so hard for me to do. And I know once I make the first call, and find out it will be okay, it will be easy from then on. It's just that first call. The nervousness of waiting to hear his voice and not my mom's.
Fear sucks. At what point are you old enough to not fear your parents? When is it your life, and yours alone? And not a life run by fear of someone else?
Posts
0 comments:
Post a Comment