Guilt

Lately I have been feeling guilty. Well, all my life I spent feeling guilty. How do you overcome a mom that says she just had kids so she could have slaves? I distinctly remember her saying that to a friend when I was little. It was a joke, she said. Some joke.

Or at Christmas when she told me I could go to the orphanage before Christmas and take all my toys and presents. Or I could wait until after Christmas, and take nothing. Oh yeah, another joke.

Why do I feel guilty? Because, to me, it seems I haven't been wanted all my life. And so I am guilty for being alive and a burden to my mom. Wow. I never put that all together before.

I know it's not my fault that I am here, and at my age I should be over it, but things still happen and I am thrown back to those days and I don't know how to escape them. I am going to try baby steps.