Guilt

Lately I have been feeling guilty. Well, all my life I spent feeling guilty. How do you overcome a mom that says she just had kids so she could have slaves? I distinctly remember her saying that to a friend when I was little. It was a joke, she said. Some joke.

Or at Christmas when she told me I could go to the orphanage before Christmas and take all my toys and presents. Or I could wait until after Christmas, and take nothing. Oh yeah, another joke.

Why do I feel guilty? Because, to me, it seems I haven't been wanted all my life. And so I am guilty for being alive and a burden to my mom. Wow. I never put that all together before.

I know it's not my fault that I am here, and at my age I should be over it, but things still happen and I am thrown back to those days and I don't know how to escape them. I am going to try baby steps.

Relief

So this morning I called my dad. It wasn't so hard. I got his voice mail, which was fine, so I left a message. I knew then that he did not leave his phone with my mom, he just turned it off if he knew he wouldn't be able to answer it.

See, I was worried for nothing. Anyway, it was good to talk to him. He sounded good and was back to his handyman work around his plan. He likes to keep busy, so I know he was relieved to get back to work.

He'll be coming north soon, so we'll see how that goes. I know he'll be happy to us, no matter how he feels.

Fear

My mom and I had a recent falling out. I started it, and I suspect it is the end of our relationship. Forever. Yes, my mom is like that. I will never be forgiven. She will never talk to me again. And if she does, she will make sure that I know she did me a favor in talking to me. It's always been like that. I hate it.

My fear is in talking to her right now. The wounds are still fresh and I don't want to deal with her now. And apparently she doesn't want to deal with me either. The problem is I love my dad. And he is being treated for cancer.

I want to call and talk to him, but I am petrified my mom will answer his phone. His cell phone. Knowing how she went through my room, my car and my mail when I was younger, I would half expect to hear her voice answer his phone.

And so I haven't called him yet. Because I am afraid of her. I am 46 yo and still afraid of my mom. WTF? Why can't I get over this and live my own life? Why do I still let her run my life in this way?

I hate conflict and avoid it whenever I possibly can. I am a very easy going, live and let live type person. I believe time heals a lot of things, but I don't think it is going to heal the rift between my mom and me. So at some point I have to grow up and call my dad.

Just that simple act is so hard for me to do. And I know once I make the first call, and find out it will be okay, it will be easy from then on. It's just that first call. The nervousness of waiting to hear his voice and not my mom's.

Fear sucks. At what point are you old enough to not fear your parents? When is it your life, and yours alone? And not a life run by fear of someone else?

about

I am a middle aged mom who works too hard, too much and has too much baggage from the past to deal with. This blog is my attempt to put things in writing so I can deal with them and figure out what comes next. My past wasn't horrible, but some memories are and those are the ones that hold me back in life now.

You never know who is out there reading what you write. I found that out the hard way with my current blog. And so I started this one so I could air my thoughts, my personal secrets, anonymously, and in that respect, privately. If someone is going to read my diary, I'd rather not know them. Or have them know it's me.


So, this is kind of my secret place. My hidden journal. My not-so happy place. Things I won't say out in public. But I will anonymously on the internet. Oh yeah, ain't that a kick? Or I could build a whole new persona....new name and life and everything. But frankly, I don't have time for that.